i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
