guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
