Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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