dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Why do you proceed to call me "Queen La Queefah?"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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