I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I just want nice things and good sex
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
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