My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
