im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
