he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
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