New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Randomize
