i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
