he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
