it was like eating out sand paper
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
