So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
