I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Randomize
