some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize