i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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