plz talk dirty to me
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
