Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
