My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
