Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Just saw a porn entitled "Nad Biter". Redheads are now forever out of the picture.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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