im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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