i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
