I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
just found out that she named her cat after me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
