When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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