I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
