At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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