Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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