shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
