just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
