How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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