she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
