I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
