good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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