I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize
