I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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