I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
