If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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