If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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