Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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