When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
