Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
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