I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
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