Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
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