I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Randomize
