Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize