i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
