I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Randomize
