I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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