I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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