just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
Randomize
