The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
