bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
