anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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