New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
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