I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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