no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
