weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
