i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
