I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
she smelled like a LAN party
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Randomize
