I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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