No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
