Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
